


The One Where The Library Gets Audited

by StarlightSystem



Series: TAU drabbles [5]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: Alternate Universe - Transcendence (Gravity Falls), Ficlet, Gen, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-08-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:47:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 951
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25897672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarlightSystem/pseuds/StarlightSystem
Summary: The Pines family scrambles to make sure the Stanley Pines Memorial Library is up to code.
Series: TAU drabbles [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1662520
Comments: 14
Kudos: 55





	The One Where The Library Gets Audited

**Author's Note:**

> This takes place in the [Transcendence AU](https://transcendence-au.tumblr.com/)!

“Okay, okay, okay!” Mabel yelled from atop a soapbox in the center of the kitchen. “The library auditors are gonna be here in an hour! We’ve gotta get our act together!”

Everyone -- Henry, Stan, Ford, Dipper, and the triplets -- nodded in unison and then scattered to different rooms. Mabel blew Henry a kiss as she got off her soapbox and then took off after the triplets, who were only a couple of years old and were more likely to cause harm than to actually help. 

Henry stayed behind, clicking away on his laptop, trying to figure out what exactly the auditors were going to be checking for when they arrived, and pointedly ignoring the sweat pouring from his brow. The Stanley Pines Memorial Library of the Supernatural may not have been the library he was employed at, but it was his family’s, and he’d be darned if they didn’t pass this completely unnecessary inspection.

Some of the regulations they had to pass seemed kind of arbitrary though, and he wasn’t entirely convinced that someone hadn’t made them up just to try to steal the Library away from them.

Like, “All Books Must Be Registered In An Online Database For Customer Browsing” -- this one seemed reasonable, until you factored in the number of books they had that were so cursed that looking at the title would kill you.

And then it got weirder. “At Least One Bookshelf Must Be Made With Pine Wood”.

“Any Fanfiction For _The Lorax_ Must Be Kept Inside A Locked Cabinet”

“William Shatner (or his ghost) Must Visit Your Library Exactly Once”

Henry was just figuring out the logistics of that last one when there was a crash from the next room, followed by Mabel’s voice. “Oh poop on a corndog, the triplets just knocked over a bookshelf!”

“Shit. Are they okay?” Henry yelled back. He got a weird croak/trill hybrid response from his wife and he started pacing back and forth. “Okay, we can still do this. Mabel’s got the kids. Ford’s hiding the books that make you evil if you stand next to them, Stan’s cooking the accounting section, uhhh, Dipper -” (he said, noticing his brother-in-law walk into the kitchen) “can you go reshelve the books that the triplets knocked over? You know how to organize stuff in a library, right? I don’t want to assume I know how your omniscience works. Why... are you backing away?”

Dipper had gone pale and was indeed backing into a corner, looking panicked and wringing his hands. He opened his mouth a few times but something seemed to catch his tongue each time.

“...Dipper?” Henry asked. “What are you standing around for? I don’t want to be rude but we’re all in a bit of a predicament right now...”

“Henry. I like you a lot so it’s hard for me to say this.” Dipper closed his eyes and took a deep breath. When he reopened them, his eyes were fully dilated and golden. “But I have to be honest with you. I will completely destroy Dewey’s Decimal System if you let me do that. I mean I will annihilate any kind of order to those books that makes sense to human minds. I’ll do it and I won’t be sorry.”

Henry’s jaw dropped. “What?”

“I ̵c̷an̨'t̨, ̢Hen͜r̡y̴, ͠I͠ ̨c̸a͜n̢'t̛ ͘ _or̢gan͡i̢ze_ ̨t̕hin̵g͟s̛. I̧’̕ll sơrt the books̢ ̧bu͏t͢ ̶t͝hey’͝ll ͠on̢l̛y b̷e or͡dere̛d if you̸ ͢vie̡w t̷he sḩelf aş a ͜p͞r̷o͞j̡ec̶ti͝on̡ fro̸m͝ th̕e ̧fi̧fth ҉di͘m̢e͘nsion͞ ҉whil͠e͜ pu̡ll̷ing ţhe s̷ec̨ond̡ ̨an͘d ̴th͜i͟r̸d̡ ̢d̕i̶m̢ensi̵o̴ns throug̴h the͢ f͞our͝th.͘ I'l̢l͝ t͟r̵ansl͜at̴e̛ e͘ac̢h̨ t̢it̕le i̧n͏to t̸he̷ ̧c͢o̸nlan̛g ̢C̴thu͏l҉u ̸m҉ade͟ ͠ţh̸a̕t̶ w̨as̶ s͝o ҉bo͝ring̶ evȩn its f͠ol͞low̕e͟rs͜ d̶idn'̢t l̶e̸a̵r͝n͜ ͠it. I'ļl -”

“Just put the books back on the shelf, buttface!” Mabel yelled from the other room, breaking Dipper’s trance. “I’ll give you a Snickers later!”

Dipper’s eyes returned to normal, and he gave Henry a wistful nod. He kicked off into the air, wiggled his feet, and vanished.

“What was _that_ about?” Henry asked as Mabel walked into the room, arms full of babies. “Should I have not asked him to do that? Is it because he’s a demon and demons are beings of infinite chaos that detest order with all of their beings?”

Chuckling, Mabel handed him Willow and Hank. “Nah, bro-bro just hates tidying up. You should’ve seen our room when we were kids, it was a _mess_. I mean yeah that was half my fault too but at least I put my stuffed animals back in a row on my bed when I was done with them. Sir Dippingsauce would wake up every day surrounded by broken pens and scribbledy-up paper and just stuff them all under the covers. One time when we were 10, Mom asked him to clean our room and he said that if he touched his magazine pile the universe would end. It was really funny!”

“Dipper, put out that fire!” came Grunkle Stan’s voice. “No one told me you’re not supposed to cook books in a microwave!”

“And our lives continue to be funny,” Henry murmured, facepalming.

Mabel laughed and got back on her soapbox so she could give him a kiss on the cheek. “It’s okay. We’ll get through this. We Pineses have a way of pulling through when things are at their bleakest!”

“I finished the wax sculpture of William Shatner!” Ford cried triumphantly, bursting into the room. “Get Dipper now so he can kiss it to life!”

“See what I mean?” Mabel squealed. “And you were _worried_!”

(The auditors were astonished to find not a single code violation in the entire library. They thankfully did not notice the entire Pines family standing shoulder-to-shoulder in front of a swirling vortex spitting out demon!Once-ler fanfiction.)


End file.
